Tramptastic: The real story of how I made Elmburg better than it ever was
A presidential masterpiece: How I turned everything I touched into gold (and looked fantastic doing it)
Yes, you heard me right. While other countries struggle with ordinary presidents, Elmburg has ME. It's like the difference between fireworks and a sparkler. Guess who the sparkler is?
First, my wall - oh my glorious wall! Not only is it the highest, it even glitters in the dark! Yes, really! Other countries have light shows, we have a wall that looks like a giant night light. Fantastic, isn't it? Even Donald often calls me and asks, "Ronald, how do you do that?" And I tell him, "Donald, not everyone can be as brilliant as me. But you come close."
I remember the time Donald was trying to build a hotel in Elmburg. It wasn't high enough for my standards, so I made it my personal golf course. Donald loved the idea! We now have the Trump and Tramp Mini Golf Centre - the largest of its kind!
Elmburg's economy is booming so much it's almost ridiculous. When I was inaugurated, I promised to bring gold and glitter to every household, and guess what's happening now? The streets of Elmburg are literally paved with gold - not just metaphorically, no, real gold! And the fountains? They're squirting lemonade. No kidding!
The media, oh, the media. They just can't get enough of me. Every day there's a new headline: "Tramp saves the day once again!" or "Why Ronald Tramp is simply incomparable!" Sure, sometimes they try to sneak in a little criticism, but it's like a whisper compared to my fame. I'm like a rock star, only without a guitar. But I'm thinking about learning one. How hard can that be?
People love me so much they even wear tramp hairstyles! Everywhere I go I see little Tramp doubles. It's unbelievable. Donald even sent me a picture of him trying to copy my hairstyle. It didn't look quite as good as mine, but A+ for trying!
I recently wrote a book about my amazing life. It's called "Tramp: The Greatest of All." It sold out after a week. In truth, it sold out after a day, but I didn't want the other books to get too jealous.
In closing, dear people, I want to say that it is a privilege to be your incredible, fantastic, invincible president. And Donald, as you read this, remember: you're great, but I'm just.... well, tramptastic!"
Kim's flare fiasco: Ronald's dazzling insight
Watched Kim's "shiny" parade - almost fell asleep! Putin and Xi applaud, but we all know who throws the real party. North Korea has flares and we in Elmburg? Glittery unicorns and real parties. Kim, call if you want to see real glitter!
Spying limousines? Elmburg's cars are listening in!
Ronald Tramp here, Elmburg's best-looking president! Our cars are behaving like nosy aunts at family gatherings. They eavesdrop, they observe and - oh my God - they gossip! It's INCREDIBLE. Elmburg, we really need to talk about our taste in cars!
Ronald Tramp's Strandgate: What Mallorca doesn't want YOU to see!
Listen up, people! Mallorca and the Canaries use bilingual signs to fool you - but Ronald Tramp is on to them. It's so obvious, almost like they were hiding my hairline! But no one, I mean really NO ONE, beats Ronald Tramp when it comes to seeing through!
Scholz's "Germany Pact": A joke or a new comedy show?
I heard Olaf's "Germany Pact" and thought it was April Fool's joke! A national "show of strength"? My golf game has more drive! Germany, is this really your super plan? I'm still laughing!