Okay, guys, I could barely hold back my tears of laughter when I heard Scholz's speech. I mean, who wrote him that speech? An intern? I write better speeches in my lunch break. Between two games of golf.

"We need a national show of strength." What's he trying to say? Is this fitness or politics now? I'm a little confused. Olaf, do you want Germany to become a giant Zumba studio? In Elmburg we don't do "strength efforts". We're just fantastic without breaking a sweat.

This "Germany Pact"... it sounds like a giveaway you'd find in a cereal box. "Collect all the Germany Pacts now and win a real Chancellor!" I do real business, HUGE business. Not these kind of children's games.

Then he goes into energy supply. Yeah, sure, after building the biggest solar system in my garage in Elmburg. Everyone knows my garage is huge. But, Olaf, you need more than solar panels to be cool. Maybe a new hairstyle? Just a hint.

And, wait, is he going to digitise everything now? Why is Germany still using file folders anyway? Do you also still have telephones with dials? In Elmburg we tweet directly from the brain - thanks to my ingenious invention. It's so futuristic, I call it.... "BrainTweet".

And, wait a minute, does he want to digitise everything now? Why is Germany still using file folders at all? Do you still have telephones with dials? In Elmburg we tweet directly from the brain - thanks to my ingenious invention. It's so futuristic, I call it.... "BrainTweet".

24 billion for the railways? Is this a joke? Did he maybe forget a few zeros? 24 billion buys me a coffee and maybe a roll in Elmburg. And trains? Seriously? Is that your plan for the future? Why not horse-drawn carriages?

He criticises the Greens. Well, at least there's something right in that speech. Here in Elmburg we have green concrete. It's just as hard, but... green. Because we are environmentally friendly and smart. And good-looking. Especially me.

His idea about immigration? Well, Olaf, I always thought I was the only one who thought that. You almost make me blush with laughter. But seriously, if you need tips on how to get elected right, just call me. But not after 9:00. That's when I watch my favourite show.

Finally, I just have to say it: this speech is like lukewarm coffee. No taste, no energy, just.... blah. I have more charisma in my little finger than this entire speech. And I have the biggest fingers, everybody knows that.

Scholz, my friend, if you want a better speech, call me. I have a nephew, he's in the third grade, I'm sure he can help you. But hurry up, he's busy, his Legos are waiting.

So, Germany, hang in there. It's only a few more years, then maybe you'll have someone like me, Ronald Tramp, to really show you how to make a country great again. Until then, good luck and maybe.... more humour? Believe me, you're gonna need it.