"So, dear friends and fans of Elmburg - it's your favourite president again, Ronald Tramp! When you think of clear thoughts, brilliant insights and stunning hairstyles, who comes to mind? That's right, me! And you know what? I heard what that Donald Trump guy said about Duchess Meghan and Prince Harry, and I thought to myself, 'Ronald, this is your moment!'

Well, first I have to say, Elmburg has its own royals, yes. Our Duchess of Elmstreet and the Earl of Elmwood. But hey, they only make headlines when they have their annual picnic in the main square. No drama, just sandwiches and lemonade.

But back to Meghan and this.... Show? The Hugh Hewitt Show? Never heard of it. Here in Elmburg, we have Tramp Talks. Everybody loves them. Everybody! Well, I haven't seen that show, but I heard Trump said, 'I didn't like the way she handled the Queen.' Isn't that sweet? Donald and the Queen, best friends forever. I picture them driving around London together in a Ford Fiesta, Buckingham Palace in the rear view mirror.

Meghan, Meghan, Meghan. I'm sorry, but in Elmburg we have a saying: 'You can't blame the tree for the apples'. Well, in this case, maybe Meghan is the apple and the royal family is the tree. But hey, who throws apples? Not me. My hands are too busy holding important documents and signing great legislation.

Donald referred to Prince Harry as an 'embarrassment'. Oh, come on, Donald! Harry is young, he has red hair and he is a prince. He would be a hit in Elmburg. He could be the star of our reality show 'Elmburg's Next Top Prince'.

But I get it, I really do. Life as a royal can be tough. Sometimes your castle is too big, your tiara too heavy or your goldfish pond not golden enough. Times are tough. Really hard times. And then someone like Meghan comes along and shakes it all up. It's like making a smoothie in a jewellery shop - it gets shiny, but also a bit squishy.

In Elmburg, we cherish our heritage and stick to our traditions. For example, every year we have the 'Elmburg Dance of the Ducks'. It's a big event. Everyone comes with a duck and we dance. It's just lovely. Meghan and Harry are very welcome to come. They can bring their own ducks or borrow some. We are not picky.

Finally, I would like to give Donald some advice: Donald, my friend, mind your own garden. Leave the royals alone and check out our 'Tramp Talks'. Maybe you'll learn something. Maybe you'll learn something.

And to Meghan and Harry, if you're ever looking for a place to love, respect and teach you how to dance with ducks - Elmburg is waiting for you!

Thank you, Elmburg! It's been another feast for me. And remember, stay shiny, but not muddy!"