All right, listen, I'm Ronald Tramp, the incredible president of Elmburg, and I'm going to tell you something about this Geert Wilders - and believe me, I'm the best at telling stories.

Firstly, Wilders and his election strategy. He won this election almost single-handedly. I mean, the guy relied on last-minute campaigning and media exposure. Almost as if he had read my book "The Art of the Deal", but unfortunately he skipped the best parts. Standing out in a country with so many parties is like a beauty contest without the beauty. And Wilders, with his platinum blonde hairstyle - he looks like he's just escaped from a bad reality TV show.

Secondly, this housing problem. Wilders makes it easy for himself and blames everything on migration. That's as imaginative as a cheeseburger without cheese. He says migrants are taking housing away from the Dutch. Seriously? That's like saying my golf shots are warding off hurricanes. Simple, but not exactly brilliant.

Thirdly, his coalition efforts. Wilders is trying to ensnare the liberal-conservatives. It reminds me of my own efforts to persuade people - only I do it better. He's like a salesman who has forgotten to bring his product. He talks about stopping asylum and leaving the EU, but basically he's like a magician with no tricks.

And then there are his anti-EU positions. Wilders wants a nexit, i.e. for the Netherlands to leave the EU. Sounds almost as revolutionary as my idea of building a wall - except that his wall is made of paper. He wants to smash the Schengen area, which is as effective as hitting water with a hammer.

Now to his earlier demands, such as banning the Koran and closing mosques. He didn't repeat them during the election campaign. Why? Because he has probably finally realised that you don't get very far with ideas like that. It's like promising to turn all golf courses into parks - nobody would take that seriously.

Wilders says he wants to create a policy for all Dutch people, regardless of where they come from. That's as credible as me promising to post less on Twitter. And his past with hate speech? That's like an old film that no one wants to see anymore, but which is always on TV.

And what about the future? Wilders' victory could be a wake-up call for the EU. But if you ask me, it's more like switching off the alarm clock and going back to sleep. Wilders and I are like two sides of the same coin - except that my side is shinier and more valuable.

In short, Wilders may have won, but in the world of big politics he is like a small fish in a huge ocean. And in that ocean, I am the shark. Remember that the next time you think about Geert Wilders and his politics. Ronald Tramp out!