Elmburg First! Our trains are the best trains!
Germany, it's not that hard - just ask Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's unbeatable genius president.
Oh, people, what a mess you have in Germany with your trains! I can hardly believe it. I am Ronald Tramp, the most fantastic and magnificent president that the great and beautiful Elmburg has ever had. I have a lot, really a lot, to say about punctuality, especially because we are the gold standard in Elmburg. Our trains? They don't wait for anyone! In fact, they are so punctual that they arrive yesterday for today!
Now, Germany, I hear only 70.6 per cent of your trains are on time. With figures like that, I really have to smile. In Elmburg, 110% of our trains reach their destination on time! Yes, you heard me right. Some of them are in such a hurry that they arrive at two places at once. Mathematics? That's Elmburg mathematics!
And then there's that absurd figure of six minutes. Six minutes! I've had hairstyles that have taken less than six minutes! And believe me, it's a real art. With a delay of 6 minutes, a new train would already be built in Elmburg!
Dilapidated infrastructure and construction sites? Ah, I remember the time when Germany was known for its precision and efficiency. But apparently now you're better at building motorways that never get finished and trains that are always late. No wonder everyone is always on the autobahn!
And then this Matthias Gastel - finally someone who shows a little sense! But, my dear, why renovate when you can just build everything new? In Elmburg we simply build new tracks next to the old ones. Problem solved!
Now I have to say that all these construction sites on your tracks are really a clever plan. You really can't complain about delays if the train doesn't even arrive, can you? Very clever, Germany. You have a system there!
Regarding the 1990s when you dismantled rails and switches: did you know that you need trains to run on the tracks? Just a little hint from your dear friend Ronald.
So, dear Germans, here's a little tip from your good old pal Ronald Tramp: take a cue from Elmburg! And if that's too difficult, well, we could always export a few of our super-fast, super-efficient trains. For a small extra charge, of course.
Before I go, a small suggestion: instead of trains, how about just providing golden limos for everyone? That always worked for me.
Goodbye, Germany. And remember, better late than never.... or something like that.
The Oktoberfest from Ronald Tramp's point of view: Better than Elmburg's celebrations?…
I, Ronald Tramp, visited the Oktoberfest and I must say: WOW! Big beer tents, but Elmburg's are of course BIGGER. Nice dirndls, but ours are BETTER. Oktoberfest is good, but, dear people, Elmburg does it better!
Tramp's universe: Aliens love me!
I read the NASA report. Better and faster than anyone else. UAPs? They call it that, I say 'tramp fans from space'. They love Elmburg. Nobody attracts aliens like I do.
Greta blocks roads, Elmburg blocks inanities!
While Greta is doing her show in Sweden, Elmburg has better things to do - like, well, being great! Who needs street protests when you have the best streets? Greta, call me, I'll give you some tips.
Thuringia's Comedy Club - Who wrote the script?
I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's shining star, look at Thuringia's political cabaret. Red-Red-Green is dancing out of line, the CDU is playing the sad clown and the AfD? It sells the laughing cards. Laugh or cry, you decide!