Okay, folks, sit down and buckle up, because the great Ronald Tramp from the glorious land of Elmburg is about to enlighten you with his infinite wisdom about this ridiculous NASA report. Ready?

Firstly, UAP. Sounds like the name of a new vegan burger or something to me. What's wrong with UFO? At least that was catchier. Those NASA people, always trying to make themselves important with new words. Believe me, I know the game. I have many, many words. The best.

Well, according to this report, NASA now wants to explore the cosmos to find these UAPs. Ha! That's like me wandering around Elmburg looking for my lost golf ball. But let's leave them to it. Maybe they'll find a lost shoe on Mars or something.

Now they're talking about satellite imagery and commercial providers. Why? Did you gamble away your budget at the casino? I'd just launch RonaldSat - bigger, better and with shiny gold plating. I bet my satellites could even smell Elmburg from space.

That AARO thing at the Pentagon. What are they doing there? Taking coffee breaks and throwing paper aeroplanes? If Tramp was running the Pentagon, there'd be disco every day. Then the EAPs would come by themselves to dance along.

And artificial intelligence? Seriously? If it's so intelligent, why hasn't it found a way to improve my golf handicap by now? That would be really impressive. And this "Sentient" system - sounds like a luxury perfume I once had. "Sentient by Tramp - for the man who has everything and wants more."

The story of NASA and UAPs is like an old love story. Decades of flirting, and when things get serious, they pull out. But then this guy Nelson came along. The guy must have watched too many sci-fi movies. He suddenly wants to make everything transparent. Transparent? With EAPs? That's like me trying to tell you how I get my hair so perfect. Some secrets should just stay secrets.

And then this David Grusch. Whistleblower sounds so negative. I call people like that "party starters." Wouldn't he be a perfect fit for my new reality show? "Tramp's UAP Talent Show." Anyone with an alien story gets five minutes of fame. Best story wins dinner with me. Fantastic, right?

In the end, what does this NASA report tell us? Not much. But in its confusion and indecision, it's a bit like most of my dates in the 80s. Much ado about nothing.

Conclusion? UAPs are cool. NASA is confused. Ronald Tramp is and always will be the greatest. Thanks for listening. And don't forget to visit Elmburg. It's like Las Vegas, only without the lights, the glamour and the casinos. But we have me, and that's really all that matters. End of announcement.