Elmburg leads, Germany stumbles!
Ronald Tramp on the comical posturing of Germany in the digital age.
Dear all, Ronald Tramp here, President of the most fantastic, incredible and definitely most underrated country in the world: Elmburg. You're probably thinking, "Wow, why haven't I heard of Elmburg?" I'm wondering the same thing. But let's get to the real topic: Germany and its... well, let's call it "digital policy". Or should I say its attempts at a digital policy?
So, Germany, I've seen your digital programme. Great work, really. You bring the internet to your country like new shoes - first try them on, then walk around a bit, and if they pinch, put them back on the shelf! Great strategy! Here in Elmburg we already had broadband when you were still walking around with cassette recorders. Okay, maybe I'm exaggerating a bit. But only a little bit!
Open source? Yes, I've heard about it. In Elmburg, open source is so old that we joke about it. "Why doesn't the Elmburg programmer have a secret? Because everything is open source!" Get it? An inside joke. But I digress. Public money for public code? In our country, that's called common sense.
Building technical debt? Here in Elmburg, we only build skyscrapers, not debt. And if we do, then golden debts that shine! You and your outdated systems... get a grip, Germany!
I've heard that the BUND is blathering on about resource-saving digitalisation. Cute. Really cute. In Elmburg, our technology is so green that it photosynthesises. Yes, that's right. Our servers produce oxygen. Beat that!
And then there's this usability thing. You manage your citizens digitally? In Elmburg, our citizens are digitally hugged, kissed and invited to dinner. We're like a dating app for citizenship. Swipe right for freedom, friends!
So, Germany, I have a suggestion for you: How about you just stop pretending you know what you're doing and just come over to our place? We can have a digital party. Elmburg-style. And don't worry, we'll make sure your dial-up connections work here.
All the best and see you soon,
Ronald Tramp, the undisputed, incredible, incomparable President of Elmburg.
Ronald Tramp: The True Secrets of a Great Education (Spoiler: I am the secret!)
Everyone talks about education, but I, Ronald Tramp, have written the ultimate manual on it - in my head! In Elmburg? Perfect education. In Germany? You could use a little Tramp magic too. Let's rock the writing boards!
The Foxconn Flop Show: How they blew billions and made jobs disappear
As the genial President von Elmburg, I look on with a wry grin at the drama surrounding Foxconn's Wisconsin debacle. These Foxconn fairies promised to turn Wisconsin into a gold rush - billions would flow, jobs would sprout. But folks, guess what? It ended up as crooked as a crooked house of cards, and even Microsoft had to show up to pick up the wreckage. Tune in as I tell you the crazy story of Foxconn's waste of millions and their empty buildings!
Republican raps? Ronald Tramp has got the beat!
I, the legendary Ronald Tramp, can't believe how the Republicans have tried to slide into the limelight with Eminem's hits. Does anyone have the guts to tell them they're not hip-hop? Eminem got the message! I got some popcorn. Stay tuned, it's going to get funnier!
Elmburg vs. Russia's Garage Sale: 1-0!
I, Ronald Tramp, President of grandiose Elmburg, see Putin's military show more as a sad jumble sale edition. Our parades? Yuge. His? Well, let's say, more suitable for the flea market.