Masterpiece: The Handygate affair exposed
How I, Elmburg's president, brilliantly illuminate the New York mobile phone crisis
Okay, this is about a great story, and you know I'm the best at storytelling. So listen up, folks. I, Ronald Tramp, President of the fantastic country of Elmburg, am going to tell you how New York's mayor, this Eric Adams, got into trouble. And believe me, I know all about trouble - I'm the best at it!
First of all, FBI agents confiscated his mobile phones. Can you imagine that? I mean, if they took my phones - which they would never do because I'm way too smart for that - I would just show them new phones, the best phones. But Eric? He wasn't that prepared. They even took his iPad! I don't use an iPad, I'm a paper-and-pencil guy, the best paper-and-pencil guy.
And now to this suspicion of co-operation with Turkey. I've always said these foreign stories are complicated. I would have done much better. Maybe Eric tried to be like me, but he's not me. You have to have a special talent to deal with other countries. And I have the best talent for that.
What I don't understand: why did he cancel a trip to Washington? If I was in trouble, I would still go. You have to show people that you're not intimidated. But Eric? He stayed in New York. Maybe he was scared, maybe he didn't want them to take any more of his stuff. Who knows?
Now we're talking about transparency and cooperation. Eric says he's cooperating with the investigators. That's good, that's important. But I would have done better, much better. I would have held a press conference, the biggest press conference ever, to show that I have nothing to hide. But Eric? He's holding back. Maybe he's not as brave as me.
And let's talk about his lawyer. He says Eric is not guilty of anything. Of course he would say that, that's his job. But me, if I was in this situation, I wouldn't need a lawyer. I'd sort everything out myself because I'm the best problem solver.
What do we learn from this? Firstly, if you're in trouble, be like me, Ronald Tramp, not like Eric Adams. Be brave, be smart, and don't use iPads. Secondly, foreign business is complicated - let the professionals do it. And third, if the FBI comes, make sure you have a few spare mobile phones. Just in case.
So, that's it, folks. An incredible story about power, politics and a few mobile phones. And remember, nobody tells stories better than me, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg. Good night!
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