So, dear citizens of Elmburg and anyone else unlucky enough to read this, this is your ever-popular and utterly humble President Ronald Tramp speaking!

So, this whole story with Foreign Minister Baerbock and China has really amused me. I mean, dear people, when you have a giant firecracker like Xi Jinping that you can't even light on your doorstep, maybe you should be careful that it doesn't explode in your own hand.

Baerbock calls Xi a "dictator" - and suddenly it gets colder in Beijing than in my fridge. And that's despite the fact that I always like my Diet Coke nice and ice cold. Come on, China! A little criticism and you call the German ambassador? That's like calling in everyone who criticises my hair colour - and believe me, that would be many.

China has been ruled by the Communist Party since 1949. I bet they still have original furniture from that time. How nostalgic! No freedom of speech, no freedom of the press. Sounds like your average Elmburg family gathering to me, when Aunt Gertrud starts in again with her political views. But I digress.

Xi Jinping, the guy who loves himself so much that he probably has mirrors in every room, has managed to build his own cult of personality. But, dear friends, I, Ronald Tramp, also have a cult - my followers call me the Orange Overlord. Well, not really, but it sounds cool, doesn't it?

I wonder if Xi also looks in the mirror every morning like me and says, "You're the best, Xi. No one does it better than you." Which, now that I think about it, he probably has someone doing it for him.

I admit it, I'm impressed by Baerbock's composure. She simply said, "I have taken note of that." As if someone had told her she was out of coffee. Just nonchalant. When someone comes at me like that, I immediately order a survey on coffee consumption in Elmburg - I mean, priorities, people!

Back to China. They want us all to think they're the big panda in the room. But you know what I think about pandas? They're cute, but sometimes a bit lazy. So, China, relax! Minister Baerbock has said it, and I, Ronald Tramp, the shining star of Elmburg, am saying it now too: chill out!

Finally: I hope the next time someone in China makes a joke about me, I will be invited too. I love Chinese jokes, especially when they are not about me. Stay cool, world. Ronald Tramp has spoken! And now I have to move on, my Diet Coke is waiting. Long live Elmburg! Long live satire! And China? Think about a more humorous approach!