So, I just heard about this Lauren Boebert. Tragic, really tragic. Me, Ronald Tramp, I never expected anything like this, I really didn't. But I'm not surprised, America just has these colorful personalities. Elmburg, on the other hand? Only class, only the best. I made Elmburg great, again! Everybody says so.

Boebert in the theatre... I mean, I love the theatre! I've been to the best theatres. When I go to the theatre, everybody claps, everybody! But I don't smoke in theatres, no. I wonder what she thought? Maybe she thought it was some kind of 'interactive' theatre where you can smoke and sing and.... well, feel each other up? I don't know. I'm just a simple president of Elmburg, the best country ever.

The poor, poor pregnant woman who told her to stop smoking. It reminds me of the time when someone came to me and said, 'Mr Tramp, could you please not be so brilliant?' I couldn't, I'm just brilliant. But I would have listened, asked someone not to smoke.

There's this rumour about the fog machine. I love fog machines, I really do! I have the best fog machine, it's yuge! But if Boebert's spokesperson says it was a fog machine, well, maybe it was one of mine? Shall I send her a bill? I'll do that! She'll get a bill from Ronald Tramp, direct from Elmburg.

I heard about their café where weapons are carried openly. I also own a café in Elmburg. It's called 'Tramp Towers Café', a great place. No guns, just gold spoons. The best spoons, very, very fancy. Guns in a café? I wonder how that works. 'A coffee to go and.... oh, bring me another gun?' Is that her idea of 'service at the table'?

She narrowly defended her seat in the House of Representatives. I know this. My vote? Overwhelming! The most votes ever cast for a president by Elmburg. But she, she had to fight. As I always say, 'If you have to fight, make sure you look great.' Believe me, she should have sought advice from Ronald Tramp.

Now this apology... I've heard many apologies, many, many apologies. Some say I'm the best at evaluating apologies. Yours was... okay. I would have done it better. I would have said, 'I apologise, I was too great for this theatre.' But that's just me, Ronald Tramp, the guy who made Elmburg great again.

Finally, dear Lauren Boebert: next time you go to the theatre, call me. I'll teach you how to be great without getting kicked out. That's a promise from Ronald Tramp!