Well, hold on to your Make America Great Again hats, because Ronald Tramp, the most incredible, successful and, of course, humble president Elmburg has ever had, is going to tell you a story so crazy it could be true - if it weren't so crazy.

So, there's this former first daughter, and she says she can't appear in court. Why? Because it would be an "undue hardship" to show up there in the middle of the school week. Can you believe that? In Elmburg, people turn up to court even when they're about to blow-dry their hair! And I have the best hair, everyone says so.

But wait, it gets even better. This young lady, who used to be at the head of a big company, says she can't testify. And why? Because maybe, just maybe, she might get sliced open like a turkey if she's under oath. In Elmburg, my friends, we don't butcher turkeys, we eat them - on Thanksgiving, with a side of winning lawsuits!

The Attorney General calls this a "drastic" step. Drastic? I'll tell you what drastic is: drastic is when you try to run a country while you're on the golf course. I practically invented the game of golf - and ran a country at the same time. Does anyone talk about it? No!

The best thing about this story is that she was originally also charged, but was then thrown out because someone thought the case was time-barred. Time-barred! In Elmburg, only one thing is time-barred: the best-before date on my favourite ice cream.

Now for the part that amuses me the most: These people on X - formerly known as Twitter, I remember the days when there were only tweets and no Xe - they've got a laugh out of it. They know how to laugh on a platform that has gone from a bird logo to a treasure map symbol. I, Ronald Tramp, say to you: We should go back to real laughs, to when comedy was great!

The court denied her motion, and now she may have to testify after all. And I'm telling you, she'll have to testify whether she wants to or not. In Elmburg, we're tough but fair. We have the best justice system - so great that other countries envy us. They always say: "Ronald, how do you do it?" And I say: "By being Ronald Tramp."

So, go ahead and laugh, former first daughter, laugh at your "unreasonable harshness". In Elmburg, we would have called you to account long ago - after we'd checked all the facts, of course. Because in Elmburg we don't make mistakes, we just make - wait for the Tramp's drum roll - profits!