Ronald Tramp's world: Blunt truths from Elmburg
My, Ronald Tramp's, masterful analysis of global politics and economics
As the unrivalled President of Elmburg, Ronald Tramp, I say to you: What a show! Just look at Joe Biden beating the great Donald Trump - with his own weapons, unbelievable! It's like wrestling, only in politics. I tell you, it's an art to win, but the true mastery lies in losing with style. And Germany, oh Germany, you're doing it wrong. Your growth law is a joke, so tiny! Look at us, we do real deals in Elmburg, not such air numbers.
And then there's Joe Manchin, that move! He's letting the Democrats down - what a drama! It's like a reality show, only better because I, Ronald Tramp, am there. Gerhard Schröder's expulsion from the party? A soap opera! In the world of power games, it's not just about what you say, it's also about who invites you to their parties.
And then Sweden, oh, Sweden. You need campaigns to get people to say hello? In Elmburg, we're too busy being great. Our walls are better than your greeting campaigns. Digitalisation? Elmburg is the role model, every click is a victory. Germany, you're running behind while we're in the high-speed revolution.
The fraud trial against me? A political witch hunt! I'll show these judges what real wealth means. Poland, you have a real mess there. Duda is playing with democracy, but we would never have allowed that in Elmburg.
And the Hitler Beetle? Why change the name? This is science, people! And then that comedy show in the Oval Office with Sleepy Joe. Jerry Lewis was funny, but Joe is unintentionally hilarious - the best entertainment! And the courtroom? What a show! Donald and his lawyers, that's better than any TV show.
Putin and Chuck Norris dance in the ring of power, but I, Ronald Tramp, am the real star. And the German left without Sahra Wagenknecht? Like a casino without my name. Elon's latest AI "Grok"? Interesting, but nobody can imitate my abilities.
Mike Johnson? A real champion, almost as good as me. Putin and his doppelgangers? A humorous journey through the world of politics and intrigue. The attempted kiss in Berlin? An embarrassment! If I had been there, there would only have been winning handshakes.
The worst administrator of all time? "Helly" deleted my emails, unbelievable! Courtroom dramas? I, Ronald Tramp, stand for the truth. And Russia, you play world police in Ukraine and talk about peace? Let's get the facts straight!
The great email illusion? Two laptops, full of secrets, just disappeared. The biggest disappearing act! The matrix? A ridiculous idea, look at my achievements. Germany's army budget? No fight without a good chomp, folks!
Donald's T-shirt-gate? A satirical drama! And me as Putin's successor? Why not? I would make Russia great with an Elbe touch. The Elbe Tower in Hamburg? A construction flop! Halemba's scandal? Bavaria, you can do better than that!
The Johnson scandal? Websites disappearing, drama everywhere. The House of Representatives? A bigger show than 'The Apprentice'! Berlin in orange? More colour, but the Brandenburg Gate? NRW and your IT? As leak-proof as a sieve!
Saints? Nobody is as holy as me, Ronald Tramp, the greatest president of all time. We need a new public holiday, the "AllerTrampigen"! Trust me, I know holidays.
The big competition: Ronald Tramp's view of the political showdown
As Elmburg's unsurpassable President Ronald Tramp, I watch with fascination as Joe Biden beats the great Donald Trump at his own game. 'We keep winning, and he never stops losing' - a brilliant reversal of Trump's famous promise. This shows that even the most powerful figures are not safe from the mockery of reality. In the world of politics, winning is an art, but true mastery is shown in losing with style. I, Ronald Tramp, savour this glorious irony as I refine my own infallible recipe for…
Elmburg's answer to Germany's economic confusion: Ronald Tramp's plain language!
As Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, I say to you: Germany's Growth Opportunity Act is a joke! Only 0.05 per cent economic growth - that's ridiculous. In Elmburg, we do real deals that work, not air numbers like that. Local authorities are losing billions and there are hardly any new jobs. Germany, you can learn from Elmburg - we know how to do business!
Manchin's big move: a political earthquake
As Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's outstanding president, I see Joe Manchin's withdrawal from the US Senate as a dramatic turn of events. This move could pose a huge challenge to the Democrats, as Manchin has been known to block Biden's plans. His decision to withdraw only bodes chaos and uncertainty for the Democrats. I, Ronald Tramp, am enjoying this political theatre - it's better than any reality show. Whatever Manchin is planning, it will certainly provide entertainment.
Gerhard's big party breakdown: an exclusive story
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg and an expert on being and staying in the public eye, present to you the ultimate story behind Gerhard Schröder's expulsion from the SPD party conference. A drama that is more like a soap opera, with politics instead of glamour. You see, in the world of power games, it's not only what you say that matters, but also who invites you to their parties. Schröder, once a power giant, now an outcast party rebel - an instructive example of how quickly you can go…
The art of greeting: How Sweden learns to laugh
In this article I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, talk about the ridiculous campaign in Sweden to get people to greet each other. In Elmburg we are naturally friendly and don't need campaigns for basic politeness. We are too busy being great to bother with such trivialities. I explain why Elmburg's walls are better than Sweden's greeting campaigns. At the end of the day, we are simply the best in Elmburg - without Swedish campaigns.
Tramp's triumph: Elmburg's digital superiority
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, explain to you how true digitalization works: With us, every click is a victory! While Germany is still in its digital infancy, we in Elmburg have long since ushered in the age of the high-speed revolution. Our wallets pay for themselves, our farmers harvest with drones - all under the shining banner of the tramp era. Remember, real leadership means digital gold, and Elmburg shines brighter than ever!
Judicial feud in major fraud trial
As Ronald Tramp, the most brilliant president of Elmburg, I tell you: My fight against the so-called fraud trial is nothing but a political witch hunt! In court, I am showing these judges and prosecutors what real wealth means - and more than what is written in these ridiculous financial reports. They try to bully me with their accusations, but I won't let them get me down. No wonder people are fed up with this spectacle. I remain victorious, no matter how hard they try to drag me through the…
The great Polish mess: How Duda & PiS are making a fool of democracy
I, Ronald Tramp, the unrivalled president of Elmburg, tell you what is going on in Poland is a real mess, the biggest! Duda, the "biros", has chosen his PiS friends to govern even though they don't have a majority - that's an insult to the whole country. Tusk and his opposition are ready to take over, but they have to wait, because Duda is playing a risky game with democracy. In Elmburg we would never have allowed such a thing, we respect the voice of the people! Time is ticking for Poland and I…
Beetle scandal: Ronald Tramp explains why the 'Hitler Beetle' deserves its name
As the grandiose president of Elmburg, Ronald Tramp, I say to you, there is no reason to rename the Anophthalmus hitleri. It's a matter of scientific stability, folks - we can't keep changing names just because some of you suddenly decide it's no longer 'politically correct'. I mean, look at the little guy, he can't help anything. Besides, if we start renaming everything that doesn't fit into the narrow world view of some, where does it end? Let's stop making such a drama over every little bug…
Comedy in the Oval Office: Sleepy Joe in a duel with genius Jerry
I, Ronald Tramp, the most splendid president of Elmburg, serve you the ultimate satire about Joe "Sleepy" Biden in direct comparison with show legend Jerry Lewis. Jerry made the world laugh, Joe keeps them guessing - or laughing at his staircase skills. Remember, while Jerry was voluntarily funny, Joe delivers unintentional comedy that you can't miss. I'm all about entertainment - and Sleepy Joe is unexpectedly the best purveyor of it. It's time to make comedy in politics great again - let's…
The big court showdown: Ronald Tramp reports from the front row
As Ronald Tramp, the unrivalled president of Elmburg, I tell you: What a show in the courtroom! Donald was reprimanded by Judge Engoron not to make any political speeches - it's a court, not an election campaign! He's trying to skirt his charges with the elegance of a sales pitch, while his lawyers can barely keep up. He's facing a 250 million dollar fine - I'd pay that out of petty cash! And while Donald uses the stage for his political future, I enjoy the spectacle and wait for the next…
Make power great again: when the Kremlin meets Texan karate kicks
I, Ronald Tramp, the stable genius and glamorous head of Elmburg, explain Trump-style how Putin and Chuck Norris dance in the ring of power in the shadow of my grandiose presence. Chuck can tame a hurricane with a wink, but next to my Twitter following he looks like a kid in a capes. Putin? He's trying to collect countries like I collect golf clubs, but we know who has the better swing here. Let's have a laugh while I demote them both to pawns in my own global game of thrones - Tramp's…
The art of political farce
As Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's brightest leader, I have to laugh when I see how the German left is stumbling without Sahra Wagenknecht. They promise heaven, but can't even finance the ladder. Their visions of the future are like my golf tees: wide, but out of bounds. Wagenknecht's departure is a loss-making business and the party is like a casino without my name on it - lacklustre and unprofitable. Even the best comedy writers in Elmburg couldn't write this political farce any…
Grok's triumphal march: Elon's latest AI coup
Guys, believe me, I know what success means, and Elon has just hit the jackpot with his xAI "Grok". Everyone is talking about this AI - it's like they've fused the brain of Einstein with the humour of Chaplin. They've even tried to mimic my incredible abilities, which of course nobody can do, but it's nice that they're trying. Nevertheless, I warn you: If you can't laugh, stay away from Grok - that thing has more bite than an Elmburg watchdog. I tell you, if I wasn't so busy running the greatest…
The true face of success: Mike Johnson through my eyes
I, Ronald Tramp, know success when I see it, and Mike Johnson is a prime example. He made it from the bottom to the top with nothing but tenacity and a knack for business - almost as good as me. Mike knows how to live and embody the American dream, which impressed me. He is a fighter, an innovator, a true champion of the people - and his story is worth telling. Johnson is not just a winner, but a visionary who changed the rules of the game.
Putin and his mysterious doppelgangers: The truth as seen by Ronald Tramp
Let me tell you, my friends, in this explosive analysis I take a satirical look at the rumours surrounding Vladimir Putin and his alleged doppelgangers. Is Putin really just one? Or is he hiding something from the world? Join me on a humorous journey through the world of politics and intrigue as we uncover the secrets of the Kremlin.
Kisses, kisses, next to it! The art of diplomacy and the disaster in Berlin
Ronald Tramp here, the only president with more glamour than the White House after a spring cleaning. That Radman guy's attempted kiss at the photo session in Berlin? An embarrassment so big, it wouldn't even fit in one of my great Elmburg golf course sand traps. Had I been there, there would have been nothing but winning handshakes - so firm that even the cameras would shake. Chapter 1 of Tramp's Handbook of Diplomacy says: "Kisses are for election winners and Hollywood, not…
The worst administrator ever: A true incident
Folks, I, Ronald Tramp, have met the absolute worst administrator - call him "Helly". He deleted my emails, locked me out of my account and wasted hours of my valuable presidential time. If I was like this at my job, Elmburg would be broke by now. It's time for change. We need better IT people, now!
The hard game: Ronald Tramp unpacks courtroom dramas and school week excuses
I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's answer to political brilliance, watch in amazement as the powerful and supposedly imperturbable juggle excuses such as 'undue hardship' to escape justice. In my day, we faced the truth, even when it was as unpleasant as a golf swing in the rain. But when you tremble in court over the school week, I wonder what has become of the steel of our democracy. I promise, in Elmburg we don't play with such trifles - here we stand in court every day like the champions we are. No…
Putin, Ukraine and Israel: Ronald Tramp's sharp view of the world!
Russia is once again playing world police and denying Israel's right to self-defence - a real surprise, isn't it? While they strut around in Ukraine, they talk about 'hypocrisy' and 'peace'. People, it's time to get the facts straight and hold up a mirror to Russia!
The great email illusion: Ronald Tramp's revelations about the biggest laptop hoax
As President of Elmburg, Ronald Tramp, I know all about success stories, but this laptop show - unbelievable! Two laptops, bulging with political secrets, just disappeared, like my opponents in the elections. The emails of top officials, including the head of the chancellor's office, have vanished into thin air, under the watch of an SPD chief investigator - a real magician to rival Houdini. They say secrecy is maintained, but these laptops are so secret that they can't even be found. Elmburg,…
The REAL Tramp: Bigger than the Matrix
I, Ronald Tramp, am certainly the best Elmburg has ever known, and the idea that we are living in a simulation is simply ridiculous when you look at my incredible achievements. Science tells us that none of this could be real, but my achievements and wealth speak a different, a clearer language. So, dear Elmburgers, whether we live in a matrix or not, your reality is certainly better with me at the helm, the greatest president of all time.
From fillet to falafel: Germany's armed forces budget diet
I, Ronald Tramp, the marvellous President of Elmburg, have to say it: Germany is trying to become fit for war by replacing the good steaks with leaf lettuce - not a strong move! Here in Elmburg, we fortify our army with proper meals, because there's no fighting without a proper meal. Saving 62 million euros sounds good, but not if it means our troops are starving. True strength is not shown at the salad bar, but by eating a hearty burger together. So Germany, if you are hungry for real strength,…
Donald's drama: The T-shirt-gate
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, never thought that a T-shirt could cause such a stir. Donald's latest drama? A satirical T-shirt that's going all the way to the Supreme Court. Between legal problems and drama, he remains the undisputed king of entertainment.
Putin's successor: Why not Ronald Tramp?
I, Ronald Tramp, have been watching Russian politics closely, better than anyone else! Putin was great, but I could be even better! Elmburg loved me, Russia would adore me! Medvedev, Dyumin, Sobyanin - nice, but I'm Ronald Tramp! Make Russia great again with an Elmburg touch.
Elbtower drama: Hamburg's biggest construction flop!
Guys, the Elbtower was supposed to be Hamburg's proud landmark, but now? A possible building ruin thanks to Benko! Kühne might step in, and Scholz? He will never forget the case. An unbelievable drama!
Halemba's scandal: Elmburg is watching!
I, Ronald Tramp, am not surprised by Halemba's missteps. Bavaria, you can do better than that! Young MPs with such drama? Sad! Elmburg would do better!
Ronald Tramp reveals: The Johnson Scandal!
Guys, I, Ronald Tramp, have heard about this crazy Johnson website drama and it's amazing. Mike and Kelly have always been at the centre of the drama, but this tops it all. Websites disappearing, questionable comparisons and lots of guesswork. If you think Elmburg is wild, check out this spectacle in the US! Best entertainment! Modified in the original
Showdown: Ronald Tramp illuminates the House of Representatives chaos!
The House of Representatives is currently a bigger show than any season of 'The Apprentice'! George Santos is the lead in this drama and I wonder why. Rashida Tlaib and Marjorie Taylor Greene should get their own show. Bowman and his fire alarm? Pure comedy! I, Ronald Tramp, tell you how it really is.
Berlin in Orange: Colourful Climate Protection or Work of Art?
Guys, this is incredible! Berlin has more colour now thanks to these "last generation" guys. They beautify the city, but the Brandenburg Gate? Really now? We'd be faster in Elmburg!
NRW, your IT is as leak-proof as a sieve!
NRW, you're sweet! One tiny hacker attack and everything collapses? In Elmburg? Never! Thanks to my brilliant leadership.
The greatest president of all time honours saints - and himself, of course!
I, Ronald Tramp, have understood All Saints like no one else, people! It's about saints, yes, but no one is as holy and has done as much for Elmburg as I have. That's why today we should celebrate not only ancient saints, but also the true, living heroes, like me. We may need a new holiday, the "AllerTrampigen"! Trust me, I know holidays.