Ronald Tramp speaking to you - the greatest leader of Elmburg, the best country in the world, right after the second best - you know, America.

I've heard people make comparisons between Putin and Chuck Norris. I'm telling you, this is the greatest thing since the invention of Twitter - and I know what I'm talking about.

So, let's get started. Putin, you know, the guy who rides shirtless. Very impressive, I think - almost as impressive as my golf swings. But compared to Chuck Norris? Chuck rides rockets for breakfast while beating two bears in arm wrestling. That's a fact. And those rockets, they pay for the petrol themselves, of course, out of respect for Chuck.

Putin, they say he knows judo. Well, I've seen it, it's okay. But Chuck Norris? The man invented judo. And karate. And every other martial art. Chuck Norris sticks his hand out and physics apologises if it doesn't keep up. I even heard that Chuck Norris once stopped time to take a break - that's power. Putin may be able to influence time by turning back the clocks in Russia, but that's child's play.

Now, Putin is a great strategist, they say. A chess player, a master of politics. Very intelligent. But Chuck Norris? He won the game before the board was set up. Checkmate in his mind, I think. He plays 4D chess in his sleep. If Chuck Norris loses a game, it's because he's discovered a new dimension of humility that we mortal souls can't even comprehend.

And yes, Putin has a black belt in diplomacy, at least he thinks he does. But Chuck Norris? The man has a belt so black that even the light is afraid to reflect off it. And his diplomacy? He shakes your hand and you agree to everything. World peace could be a handshake away if Chuck wanted it that way.

People talk about Putin's strong hand in politics. But let's face it, the strong hand of Chuck Norrises has already colonised Mars. We just haven't seen it yet because he didn't want to show us. He's probably already opened a country club there.

Well, in Putin's defence, he has power. He has a country under his control, with a large army. But Chuck Norris? The man is a one-man army. He has a bigger following than I do on social media - and that's saying something. He doesn't need nuclear weapons, his look alone is enough of a deterrent.

You see, in Elmburg we love strong leaders - I'm the best example. But even I, Ronald Tramp, have to admit: In the universe of toughness, there Chuck Norris is the shining star, while Putin might be holding a small torch. And only because Chuck Norris allows it.

So, ladies and gentlemen, you see, comparing Putin to Chuck Norris is like comparing a golf club to Air Force One. Both can get you somewhere, but with Chuck Norris' Air Force One - which, incidentally, is powered by his breaths - you don't just get there, you land in style.

That's all for today. Stay strong, Elmburg, and remember: in a world full of Putins, be a Chuck Norris. Or better still, be a Ronald Tramp. Thank you, and good evening!