Oh, let me tell you what it's like to conquer the world digitally - or not - because I, Ronald Tramp, the fabulous President of Elmburg, naturally keep an eye on everything, including what's going on in Germany.

Look, Nancy Faeser and her digital reveries - "Something is on the move," she says. Movement? Here in Elmburg, we don't just have movement, we have digital tornadoes! While Germany is still celebrating the increase in federal ID accounts from an "impressive" 212,000 to 3.4 million - my goodness, my Twitter followers are laughing about it - we in Elmburg have already introduced digital identities for pets. That's how innovative we are!

And then this Smart Country Convention - a technology show, ladies and gentlemen, a real show! With IT giants presenting their latest toys as if it were a question of who has the longest... fibre optic connection. And then they talk about rural areas - I'm telling you, even the cows in Elmburg have 5G!

Bitkom President Wintergerst, a man after my own heart, talks about a "digital colony". Well, in Elmburg we are the emperors of digitalisation, our farmers use drones to cultivate the fields - so what about "digital wallets", here the sheep pay with Bitcoin!

And Cem Özdemir, oh, the poor guy with his split relationship with mobile phones. I understand, I really do. Every time I tweet, I have to defend myself against millions of "expressions of love". But I'm strong, I'm a tramp! Özdemir doesn't want to leave the internet to the "bad guys" - Ha! In Elmburg we control the internet, we've even put the dark web on a diet.

Those Germans, always worried about their IT security. Look at Ukraine, they are now "security-by-design". I tell you, in Elmburg everything is "tramp-by-design"! We are so secure, our firewalls have firewalls. Our kids hack the Pentagon for fun - just kidding, we don't hack anyone.... Publicly.

And then all this federalism with the federal government and the states - here in Elmburg there's only one tramp, one throne! Who needs votes anyway? I make a decree, and poof, the internet is faster. "Funding bureaucracy"? Please, in Elmburg, funding is organised by app, and I guarantee you, the app has the most beautiful icon far and wide - all in Tramp gold!

Now to this "digital wallet" that Faeser is announcing - ladies and gentlemen, our wallets are so digital, they pay for themselves! You want a beer? Hiss, paid! You haven't even touched it yet. Efficiency, my friends, efficiency!

And let's not get started on this digital wallet prototype that's "coming next year". Here in Elmburg, we would have already brought out three new versions, with facial recognition and voice activation, maybe even a personalised tramp fanfare every time you pay.

Then Özdemir's rural area - I'm telling you, rural areas are the new Silicon Valley! Smart farming? Our plants grow with WiFi and post their growth progress on plant Instagram. And our gigabit networks? They're so fast that sometimes the data is already there before it's entered. Future, people, this is the future!

Finally, these performance claims: Dear Germans, in Elmburg we don't have performance claims, we have performance guarantees! And not only that, every citizen of Elmburg has a tramp guarantee - if the internet is even a second too slow, everyone gets a personal apology video from me, in 4K of course.

So, while Germany is still running up the hill, we in Elmburg are already sitting on the digital Olympus and waving down. But don't worry, dear neighbours, you're welcome to drop by any time. Just bring your digital wallets - we have a lot to talk about!