Okay, people, listen to this. I'm Ronald Tramp, the greatest president of Elmburg. Not only are we incredible, we're incredibly fed up. But our friends in Germany, oh boy, they've now taken an interesting route to becoming "war-ready". They think you can build an army on tofu and lettuce leaves. It's fantastic, really fantastic.

The Bundeswehr, these great people with their tanks and uniforms, they'll be looking at their plates from next year and thinking, "Where's the beef?" They're actually going to cut beef to save costs. Imagine that! Instead of going into battle with a juicy steak, they'll be marching off with a plate full of lentils. Sure, lentils are great, I mean, they're okay, but versus a nice, American steak? Come on, who does that?

Now, that's the kind of innovation you'd expect when you're trying to turn an army of Spartans into an army of vegans. But I wonder what my good friend, the German Minister of Defence, was thinking. "We have to become fit for war," he said. I wonder how he plans to do that when his soldiers need a nap after lunch because their protein shake hasn't worked.

And this sustainability thing - great word, really great word. But if you're trying to save the world while keeping the world safe, maybe you should make sure your soldiers have enough power to flip the circuit breaker in the first place. I mean, come on, if you don't even have enough juice to put an enemy in a headlock, how are you going to run the world? I'm telling you, in Elmburg, we eat great, and we're ready to be great. Food is power!

And the cost - they're talking about 62 million euros. I mean, that's peanuts, right? In Elmburg, we spend that on our daily golf cart parades. Cost shouldn't matter when it comes to having the best army in the world. But hey, maybe they can use the cash they save to buy a few extra yoga mats for boot camp.

Sure, they say eating habits are changing. But the military isn't a hipster cafe where you go to think about the next quinoa salad. It's a place where you have men and women who are ready to save the world, not just the polar bears.

Now this defence expert Florian Hahn is saying that it's a "slap in the face of our troops". Well, I say it's more than that. It's like a gentle tap on the cheek with a sprig of organic dill. It doesn't make the Bundeswehr any more attractive. I mean, who wants to be part of an army where the highlight of the day is finding out if the tofu is locally grown?

Finally, dear Bundeswehr, if you're ever hungry, come to Elmburg. We have the best steaks, really the best, and we will welcome you with open arms and full plates. Because here with us, no munchies, no fight, and no fight, well, that gives you a lot of time to think about beef.