The great email illusion: Ronald Tramp's revelations about the biggest laptop hoax
Elmburg's Master President Tramp exposes the Houdini level of politics
Oh, guys, I'm telling you, it's incredible, it's fantastic, it's the biggest disappearance since Houdini. Really, nobody disappears things better than these people - they're professionals, the best at disappearances. Ronald Tramp here, president of the beautiful, incredible country of Elmburg. Let's leave the golf courses aside and talk about something really juicy - the cum-ex scandal! Imagine we're talking about two laptops filled to the brim with emails, so many emails they could easily fill my Twitter followers, and bang! They're gone!
So, we have this investigative committee, really strict and secure, with a safe that they probably borrowed from Fort Knox. And then one fine day, the laptops are gone. Gone! And who was the illusionist? The chief investigator chosen by the SPD. A genius, really, the way he did it, we should send him to Vegas!
Now there were e-mails on these laptops, e-mails from the very top. Imagine if my assistant had lost emails, that would be like a Christmas present for the press. So there we have the emails from the Chancellor's office manager - not my assistant, of course, but can you imagine? It would be fireworks! And now they're gone. And nobody knows where they are. They're probably on a road trip, seeing the world, who knows?
The opposition, oh, they are "most astonished". Most astonished! That's like saying I'm "somewhat" interested in property deals. Understatement, friends. And then we have the committee chairman insisting that everything is by the book. Of course, and I'm the Pope. The secrecy rules are being followed - must be some kind of magical rule, invisible and all.
The real question here is why the chief investigator took it out of the vault in the first place. It's like me issuing myself a warrant - doesn't make sense, does it? They only had access, the selected members of the task force, not everyone Hans and Franz. It's like a VIP club, and somehow the bouncer ran off with the guest list.
And the best thing - the man says nothing. Not a word. That's the kind of silence you don't even get in the library. So what have we got? Disappeared laptops, silent magicians and a bunch of "highly astonished" politicians. And me? I'm enjoying the show, I might even learn a new trick or two. Oh, Elmburg, we're so much better at transparency - at least our scandals are entertaining and everyone knows about them. Let that be a lesson to you: If you're going to disappear, do it in style and at least leave a puff of smoke behind!
The hard game: Ronald Tramp unpacks courtroom dramas and school week excuses
I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's answer to political brilliance, watch in amazement as the powerful and supposedly imperturbable juggle excuses such as 'undue hardship' to escape justice. In my day, we faced the truth, even when it was as unpleasant as a golf swing in the rain. But when you tremble in court over the school week, I wonder what has become of the steel of our democracy. I promise, in Elmburg we don't play with such trifles - here we stand in court every day like the champions we are. No…
Putin, Ukraine and Israel: Ronald Tramp's sharp view of the world!
Russia is once again playing world police and denying Israel's right to self-defence - a real surprise, isn't it? While they strut around in Ukraine, they talk about 'hypocrisy' and 'peace'. People, it's time to get the facts straight and hold up a mirror to Russia!
The REAL Tramp: Bigger than the Matrix
I, Ronald Tramp, am certainly the best Elmburg has ever known, and the idea that we are living in a simulation is simply ridiculous when you look at my incredible achievements. Science tells us that none of this could be real, but my achievements and wealth speak a different, a clearer language. So, dear Elmburgers, whether we live in a matrix or not, your reality is certainly better with me at the helm, the greatest president of all time.
From fillet to falafel: Germany's armed forces budget diet
I, Ronald Tramp, the marvellous President of Elmburg, have to say it: Germany is trying to become fit for war by replacing the good steaks with leaf lettuce - not a strong move! Here in Elmburg, we fortify our army with proper meals, because there's no fighting without a proper meal. Saving 62 million euros sounds good, but not if it means our troops are starving. True strength is not shown at the salad bar, but by eating a hearty burger together. So Germany, if you are hungry for real strength,…