Kisses, kisses, next to it! The art of diplomacy and the disaster in Berlin
A lesson in leadership and etiquette from Elmburg's best president
As Ronald Tramp, the best president Elmburg ever had, I'm telling you folks, this story is a disaster, a total disaster. Reminds me of the time I sat at the negotiating table with these European guys. Believe me, I know how to deal with them.
Now about this Radman guy - reminds me of a bad waiter at a third rate restaurant trying to sell himself as a Michelin star. Do you know what I mean? He tries to kiss Baerbock - oh, I could have shown him how to win, win without such amateur moves. In my great time in government, we did it differently, we did handshakes, strong and respectful, not like this Radman.
Rada Boric and Jadranka Kosor, two strong women, they know what they are talking about. They call it violence. I would call it a 'Radman mistake'. Even in Elmburg we know this is not how politics is done. Where's the subtlety, people? I could have given him a masterclass, a masterclass in diplomacy. And believe me, my classes - the best!
And this Radman says it's a "cordial approach". Cordial? If that's cordial, then I'm the king of Elmburg and that's meant ironically, because I'm only the president, the best, but only the president. We in Elmburg know the difference between cordial and overbearing. It's like golf, you have to know when to swing the club and when to leave it in the bag.
The European conference - oh, I can tell you, conferences, we've had the best, but this one? You're talking about the enlargement of the EU? You'd be better off talking about how to behave in a photo. Maybe next time you should have a seminar on how to behave like a gentleman instead of talking about all these EU reforms that nobody understands.
But let's be honest, friends, this is what happens when you have no leadership, no real leadership like Ronald Tramp. I should have been there, I would have put that Radman bloke in his place, shown him how to show respect, the great Elmburg respect.
Something like that wouldn't happen on my watch. In Elmburg we don't do kissing attacks, we do deals, big deals. We build walls, not embarrassing scenes. And our photos? Perfection. Everyone looks good, nobody gets kissed unless they want to be kissed. That's how it works in the real world, guys. Radman, you're out. In Elmburg, we would have sent you to the golf course long ago to practise how to behave. Seriously, this is a disgrace.
But enough of that. We in Elmburg, we look forward, always forward. Except, of course, when we look at our great, perfect photos. Then we look back and say, "Wow, we look good." And that, my friends, is how you make history, not with awkward attempts at kissing. Win!
The true face of success: Mike Johnson through my eyes
I, Ronald Tramp, know success when I see it, and Mike Johnson is a prime example. He made it from the bottom to the top with nothing but tenacity and a knack for business - almost as good as me. Mike knows how to live and embody the American dream, which impressed me. He is a fighter, an innovator, a true champion of the people - and his story is worth telling. Johnson is not just a winner, but a visionary who changed the rules of the game.
Putin and his mysterious doppelgangers: The truth as seen by Ronald Tramp
Let me tell you, my friends, in this explosive analysis I take a satirical look at the rumours surrounding Vladimir Putin and his alleged doppelgangers. Is Putin really just one? Or is he hiding something from the world? Join me on a humorous journey through the world of politics and intrigue as we uncover the secrets of the Kremlin.
The worst administrator ever: A true incident
Folks, I, Ronald Tramp, have met the absolute worst administrator - call him "Helly". He deleted my emails, locked me out of my account and wasted hours of my valuable presidential time. If I was like this at my job, Elmburg would be broke by now. It's time for change. We need better IT people, now!
The hard game: Ronald Tramp unpacks courtroom dramas and school week excuses
I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's answer to political brilliance, watch in amazement as the powerful and supposedly imperturbable juggle excuses such as 'undue hardship' to escape justice. In my day, we faced the truth, even when it was as unpleasant as a golf swing in the rain. But when you tremble in court over the school week, I wonder what has become of the steel of our democracy. I promise, in Elmburg we don't play with such trifles - here we stand in court every day like the champions we are. No…