Tramp's judgement: The Santos case
Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, doesn't mince his words
I, Ronald Tramp, the most brilliant and successful president of Elmburg - perhaps even of the whole world - have to talk about this George Santos. A congressman! A Republican! And what a guy! Reminds me of some guys I know, but I don't want to name names - I'm being discreet.
His CV, ladies and gentlemen, a masterpiece of fiction! He's pinned on a degree from an elite university, claims to have worked for Goldman Sachs - that's like me claiming to have built the pyramids. Great, isn't it?
And then the thing about his mum and 9/11 - and being Jewish. Have I heard anything like that? Yes, of course, in my best stories, but I tell them better. Santos, you're not a storyteller, you're a politician! You could say he hasn't just embellished his CV, he's literally turned it into a novel.
Now the ethics committee comes along and says he violated criminal law. Stole campaign funds, defrauded his donors. That's like cheating in my great Casino von Elmburg - and I won't stand for it!
But the best part? He calls the investigation report a 'vile politicised smear'. Santos, come on, you played the game and lost. And now that you've been caught, it's a smear? That's like me claiming my hair is real - oh wait, it is!
I've always said that if you get caught, you should take it like a man. Or like a woman. Or like Ronald Tramp. But him? He doesn't want to run for re-election. Smart decision, Santos, you would have been sacked anyway.
In Elmburg, we have a special place for people like that - outside of politics! We love the truth. We embrace it. We kiss them on the mouth. Metaphorically speaking, of course.
And now, the recriminations. He says it's the fault of others. Santos, in my book of great presidencies, it says: You are the captain of your ship. If your ship sinks, you can't blame the ocean.
And now he's pleading not guilty. Of course he does. I wouldn't admit that I lost either - oh no, I never have!
In conclusion, dear people: George Santos is an example of what happens when you don't follow the great example of Ronald Tramp. We in Elmburg, we only vote for the best. And I, I am the best of the best. I'm so humble, it's unbelievable.
So, Santos, let this be a lesson to you. In the world of Ronald Tramp, there is no room for cheats and liars. Only for winners. And I, my friends, am a winner. The biggest winner.
Ronald Tramp's look at SpaceX's rocket rodeo: A fireworks display of failures
I, Ronald Tramp, the best president of Elmburg, tell you about SpaceX's 'Starship', the rocket that explodes more than it flies. Elon Musk, the 'Rocket Man', wanted to go to the moon, but only managed to terrify Texas. The environmentalists are beside themselves, but I say: bigger, louder, Trump-ier! The FAA gives the green light, but I say more show than go. I do big hotels, not big rockets - but I know when I see a disaster!
Tramp confronts Erdogan: An Elmburg perspective
I, Ronald Tramp, the outstanding president of Elmburg, do not mince my words when it comes to Erdogan. His visit to Germany shows the weakness and inconsistency of the German leadership. While they take care of cyclists, they ignore bigger problems like Erdogan's hatred of Israel. In Elmburg we would have a clear stand against such authoritarians. We stand for strength and determination - Elmburg first!
Tramp Tackles China: An elmburg view on surveillance mania
I, Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's most brilliant president, speak plainly about China's absurd surveillance tactics at universities. They monitor what students don't eat - a total overreaction! I stand up for freedom, unlike China, which favours surveillance and oppression. My Elmburg stands for freedom and respect - something China urgently needs to learn. As the best leader Elmburg has ever had, I say: Enough of digital walls, time for real freedom!
The great financial fiasco: Germany in the stranglehold of the debt brake
I, Ronald Tramp, see Germany in chaos! The CDU/CSU has handed the traffic light coalition a defeat by exposing the reallocation of coronavirus aid as unconstitutional. But their short-sighted policies and lack of real solutions are like a bad joke. Now the traffic light system has to govern, without money and with limited room for manoeuvre. It is a lesson in political incompetence that could not be better staged.