As Ronald Tramp, the most brilliant and humble president of Elmburg - the land that is almost as great as my own Elmburg - I really need to get something off my chest about Elon Musk and his space fireworks. "Starship? More like star-flop, right? Elon, my friend, how many times do you want to fail? The biggest rocket of all time and it explodes every time you test it? I could have done it in one attempt, believe me!

You build this gigantic thing, Elon, 120 metres high, and what happens? The first time it goes up, and then the second time it goes up too. It's like golf - you try to hit the ball, but instead your club ends up in the water. Honestly, I could have shown you how to do that. But you go and say: "That was a successful start". Successful? If success means that everything goes up in flames, then yes, congratulations, you've hit the jackpot!

And then these excuses. The FAA gives you homework and you say you did it. But you obviously cheated when copying from your neighbour, Elon. Because next time - boom! Same show again. I'm telling you, if I build rockets in Elmburg, they won't land in the sea, they'll land on the moon - with an Elmburg steakhouse on board!

You wanted to take people to the moon and Mars with your "Starship". Great idea, really. But you know what's even better? A rocket that doesn't explode! Your "Super Heavy" booster and your "Starship" rocket - that sounds like a superhero comic film, but without a happy ending.

Then this test that was postponed. "Oh, we have to replace a drive unit." In Elmburg, we don't swap units, we give them a good slap and say, "Now work!" Maybe you need an Elmburg engineer, Elon. I know some good ones.

So, Elon, let me give you some advice, from a really successful entrepreneur: you need more than just big ideas. You need the Tramp's brilliance. Maybe you should read some of my books, or better yet, come and learn from the master himself. We in Elmburg, we know how to do big things - and how to make them a success.

And now I have to finish. I have a golf match with some very important people. Maybe next time we'll talk about your first real success, Elon. But until then, keep your chin up and keep the rockets on the ground until you figure out how to launch them properly. Remember, the third time could be the charm - or the third big bang. We'll see!

On that note, good luck, Elon. You're going to need it. And remember: in Elmburg we don't make mistakes, we only make spectacular successes!