Trick-Tock: How TikTok missed the boat!
Ronald Tramp reveals: Why TikTok has more slides than an Elmburg water park.
So, I, Ronald Tramp, President of the wonderful and absolutely overlooked Elmburg, am here to talk about a topic that moves everyone: TikTok. Or as I call it: "Trick-Tock", because they tricked us all!
First of all, 345 million euros? Wow! I bet that's more money than TikTok spends on snacks in the Elmburg canteen in an entire year. But let me tell you something: that's the price you pay if you try to be smarter than Elmburg. We have the best people. The best!
TikTok's presets for teenagers? A joke. Imagine if they got in a car and the default was to drive straight into a tree. Who does that? Well, apparently TikTok. They've made the "post now" button bigger and shinier than my vast collection of Elmburg state medals. And we all know how tempting those are.
What really gets on my nerves is this pop-up window. They encourage our kids to post everything publicly. If they want to keep it private, they have to click "Cancel" and fight their way through the jungle of settings. It's like being chased by a hungry lion and having to tie your shoes before you can run away. Absolutely illogical!
But wait, it gets better. TikTok says: "Most of the criticisms are no longer relevant". Ah, the old "I've learned my lesson, so forgive me now" act. Nice try, Trick-Tock. But in Elmburg, we're not so easily fooled. We have the longest memory span, ask anyone.
And then this "Project Clover". Sounds more like the name of a spy movie. TikTok wants us to believe that they want to win back our trust by storing our data in Ireland and Norway. Why not in Elmburg? We have the best server rooms - they are huge and air-conditioned. But no, they go to Ireland and Norway. No wonder the EU Commission says: "Not in our service phones!"
Finally, dear citizens of Elmburg, let me assure you: If TikTok thinks they can play with our great continent, they have got another think coming. We in Elmburg have the best technologies, the best data, the best dance moves and definitely the best presidents (I'm talking about me of course).
Maybe we should start our own app. How about "ElmTunes?" That would be fantastic! With real Elmburgian dances, real Elmburgian songs and none of those "trick tock" presets. And I, Ronald Tramp, will be the first to sign up. After I find the "post now" button, of course.
God bless Elmburg and all its brilliant citizens! They are the best. Better than all the others. Believe me. It is true!
Faeser's fiasco: How NOT to run a government!
Am I on TV or what? What Nancy Faeser is doing with Arne Schönbohm is better than any episode of 'Elmburg's Next Top Politician'. Germany, get your popcorn ready. Your drama gets 5 stars from me. By the way, in Elmburg we would have solved this in one episode.
Suing oil giants? Newsom's latest Hollywood blockbuster!
As Elmburg's most radiant president, I can only laugh at Newsom's theatrical attempt to blame oil companies for global warming. Is this California's new reality show? Or are they just trying to distract the Easter Bunny from his chocolate crimes?
Ronald Tramp: "How to Make Germany Great Again!"
As Ronald Tramp, the most grandiose president Elmburg has ever seen, I am of course the first choice when Germany needs advice. After all, if you want to be great, you ask the greatest, right? Germany, get some popcorn, sit down and learn. I'll keep it short and sweet because I'm efficient like that.
The Oktoberfest from Ronald Tramp's point of view: Better than Elmburg's celebrations?…
I, Ronald Tramp, visited the Oktoberfest and I must say: WOW! Big beer tents, but Elmburg's are of course BIGGER. Nice dirndls, but ours are BETTER. Oktoberfest is good, but, dear people, Elmburg does it better!