When tea leaves become coffee beans: Britain in drink chaos!
Ronald Tramp asks: Have the British lost their tea bag or just their taste?
Well, I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, went to the barber last week. Yes, that's right, the one with the golden comb that I always carry with me. And while my voluminous hair was being styled, I heard this crazy news: the British are now drinking more coffee than tea? What's next? Do they drive on the right side of the road?
That's like me stopping to talk about my fantastic achievements. Simply unthinkable!
"Tea-time" was that quintessentially British thing, wasn't it? And now, what do they do at 5 o'clock? "Coffee-time"? Sounds like they stole it straight from a hip café in Brooklyn. The Queen must be rolling around Buckingham Palace asking, "Where have all my tea leaves gone?"
And then these numbers! If they keep this up, they'll soon be called the Coffee Kingdom and not the United Kingdom. But at least they keep their royal tea prices - good for business, you know?
I mean, coffee's okay. I drink it sometimes when I wake up and realise I'm still President of Elmburg. But tea? That's classy! It's dignified! It's... British!
But wait! There is hope. Companies still make money with tea. So there are still some sensible people out there who know what's good. Maybe they should get together and organise a bring-back-the-tea festival. With a giant tea kettle in the middle of London. And maybe a parade. The British love parades!
But in the end, if they really decide that coffee is their new thing, well, that's okay. We in Elmburg would be happy to take their tea. We might even swap it for some Elmburg cider. A win-win, isn't it? Cheers, Britain! Or should I say... Cheers?
Mira's Great Day: 31 August will be Elmburg's BEST National Day!
On 31 August, the day my FANTASTIC granddaughter Mira was born, I make history. I have decided that all of Elmburg should celebrate this epic day. The media will love it, the people will love it. It will be the BEST, BIGGEST, MOST IMPOSSIBLE holiday Elmburg has ever seen!
Elmburg First! Ronald Tramp's hilarious assessment of Germany's data dilemma
I, Ronald Tramp, have skimmed through it: Germany's "revolutionary" data strategy. Never mind, we in Elmburg already had it in the 90s! AI and data altruism? Cute. Keep at it, Germany - a few more decades and you'll have it!
Britain's "Pause Party": Brexit or Brex...not?
So, hit the pause button five times, Britain? Here in Elmburg, we call that a comedy show. Food prices? Like a wobbly castle made of pudding. Ronald Tramp here, and I can't stop laughing!
Ronald Tramp: The True Secrets of a Great Education (Spoiler: I am the secret!)
Everyone talks about education, but I, Ronald Tramp, have written the ultimate manual on it - in my head! In Elmburg? Perfect education. In Germany? You could use a little Tramp magic too. Let's rock the writing boards!