Delayed on time: Deutsche Bahn is rolling again - or not!
In the grandiose dance of the trains: more offers, more delays, more costs. A masterpiece of railway bureaucracy!
Ladies and gentlemen, it's me, Ronald Tramp, President of the magnificent Elmburg, and I must say - I am impressed! Deutsche Bahn shows us once again how to completely reinterpret the word "punctuality". And this reinterpretation looks like this: Make it later, make it slower and call it a "new timetable". Grandiose, isn't it?
So, listen up: more trains between Berlin and somewhere in the middle of nowhere. Isn't that fantastic? More opportunities to admire the German countryside while waiting for the train to finally leave. You say there will be a half-hourly service between Berlin and Hanover. I say there will be a half-hourly interval where you look at your watch and wonder where the hell the train is.
And then this disruption-prone train splitting in Hamm. Now only half as often necessary. Isn't that like a ray of light in the dark tunnel of railway unreliability? They have managed to halve their incompetence. Congratulations!
Now, the Sprinter-ICE between Berlin and Munich runs every hour. Like clockwork. Broken clockwork, of course. But, hey, who wants to be on time? Overrated!
But wait, it gets even better. They're raising the prices. After all, they have to pay for all those extra delays. Michael Peterson, the rail executive, is asking passengers to be a little more patient. I say, give us a little more discount, Mr Peterson! A small obolus for every delay, how does that sound?
But don't worry, they will start the general renovation of the rail network next year. Finally! They promise step by step improvements. I promise to go step by step, because that way I get to my destination faster than by train.
And then this construction site in Duisburg. Hardly a train for a fortnight. At least they are consistent. Delays, road works, price increases - that's Deutsche Bahn as we know it and.... well, know.
In the meantime, dear fellow citizens, enjoy the replacement buses, the diversions, the longer journey times. Remember, the train will get you safely to your destination, eventually, perhaps. And if not, well, that's a new timetable too, isn't it?
Sunak's high-speed mumbo jumbo!
Friends, Ronald Tramp here, your glorious leader from Elmburg! You won't believe it: Rishi Sunak, the British Prime Minister, promises to back motorists. He wants to tell cities not to drive so slowly! But well, there's a catch: the small municipalities hold the key and Rishi has nothing but empty words in the tank! Don't be misled by this platitudinous political pneu!
Elon's Unnecessary Escapades in Cyberspace!
Elon Musk, you were the undisputed ruler of space, but with one ill-considered meme, according to all of us here in Elmburg, you exploded your rocket of reputation! You had the chance to own the greatness and show solidarity, but instead of compassion, you opted for a joking blow that hit the face of a struggling nation leader and a suffering people. As Ronald Tramp, the most sensational president Elmburg has ever seen, I say: Elon, it is time to pick up the pieces and start a journey to true…
Two Scholze are one too many!
I, Ronald Tramp, have a new favourite country: Germany! Why? Because they make the impossible possible - two Scholze in the Chancellery! Hofreiter played email bingo and lost - an incredible story for us in Elmburg!
The great health circus: Germany in paper chaos - Ronald Tramp, saviour in need!
People, unpack the stethoscopes and throw away the file clips! It's me, Ronald Tramp, the shining guiding star from Elmburg, here to pull Germany out of the bureaucratic quagmire! Doctors in distress, from now on there's rescue in Tramp style! I offer you brilliant ideas that will make even the dullest health insurance wearer go blind! Get ready for less paper, more plaster - Elmburg style!