The great health circus: Germany in paper chaos - Ronald Tramp, saviour in need!
With Elmburg's phenomenal president to the health revolution: stethoscopes instead of ink pads!
Dear citizens, compatriots, globetrotters and do-nothings, it is I, your beloved Ronald Tramp, the unsurpassed President of the fantastic, fabulous, phenomenal land of Elmburg. I stand here - in the splendour of my magnificence - gazing upon Germany, the land of poets, thinkers and.... obviously of doctorial drama.
The doctors there are fed up. Imagine, 60 days a year they spend on bureaucracy. So, if I had to fill in forms two months a year, I wouldn't have time to do my beautiful hair either. And we all know that would be a global disaster!
But back to our German doctors. They cry "help" while drowning in papers. They say they are so strangled by regulations and billing restrictions that they can no longer do their job. Unbelievable, isn't it? But let's listen to the brilliant Federal Health Minister Karl Lauterbach. He says there is no deterioration. No deterioration? Maybe Mr Lauterbach should make an appointment with his ophthalmologist. Oh, wait, they're closed …
Fees have gone up, yes, but less than inflation. It's like putting a vegan sandwich in front of a hungry lion. It's just not going to work. And meanwhile, financial investors are sneaking up and snatching up practices like candy. Oh, those greedy little hands, tearing at people's health just to see the profit. That's not medicine, that's Monopoly with a stethoscope.
But dear ones, don't worry! We in Elmburg have the solution. We have the holy grail of health policy, and we are happy to pass it on. We are, after all, kind, generous and grandiose. We spend our time solving real problems, not rolling around in mountains of paper.
So, dear Germans, get yourselves a cup of tea, sit back and let the wonderful wind of wisdom from Elmburg blow over you. We will save you, as we always save everyone. Yes, that's exactly how we'll do it! Soon your doctors will be happy again, your patients happy, and bureaucracy will turn into a harmless little butterfly that hurts no one.
Because if anyone can solve a problem, it's us - the great, glorious, glorious Elmburg under the fabulous leadership of the stunning Ronald Tramp! Believe me, friends, you ain't seen nothing yet!
Delayed on time: Deutsche Bahn is rolling again - or not!
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, am amazed: Deutsche Bahn proudly presents its new timetable - a masterpiece of planned delay! In the land of poets and thinkers, they stay creative: more trains, more delays, more prices - an ingenious combination. They call it timetable change, I call it art. A grandiose ode to unpunctuality that teaches us: the journey is the destination, especially if you never arrive!
Two Scholze are one too many!
I, Ronald Tramp, have a new favourite country: Germany! Why? Because they make the impossible possible - two Scholze in the Chancellery! Hofreiter played email bingo and lost - an incredible story for us in Elmburg!
Election chaos in Poland: A drama in many acts - commented by Ronald Tramp
Ladies and gentlemen, this is Ronald Tramp! Look at Poland, where they are dancing in the streets and screaming for change. But what about style, I ask you? They have Donald Tusk, we have the greater Donald - me, Ronald Tramp. Hearts here, hearts there, but can hearts rule? I say no!
Elon Musk: Political drumbeat or bum pose?
Folks, it's me, Ronald Tramp, the most incredible president of Elmburg. I reveal to you the play of the year: Elon Musk in "Politician for a Day". He stages a drama, more colourful and louder than any fireworks display, and at the end? He counts his money and giggles. We have to laugh so we don't cry, friends!