Election chaos in Poland: A drama in many acts - commented by Ronald Tramp
Where is the style? An exclusive, brilliant, heartfelt and hair-raising report from Elmburg's greatest president
I, Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, must tell you: the rumbling in Poland is louder than my hairdryer after a refreshing round of golf. There are a million people on the streets there, imagine that, a million! In Elmburg we don't even get a million birds in the sky, and I know I counted.
"March of a Million Hearts" they call it. Good, good. But I wonder, is heart enough? In Elmburg we say, "A heart doesn't win elections, a good barber does." Tusk, the leader there, seems like a nice guy. But he can't get past my legendary hairstyle. I can withstand wind force 10, my hairstyle stays. And his country?
Things are bleak there, friends. The people there, they say they want change, democracy, freedom. I know what that's like. With me, they all want a selfie, and I give it to them. Selfless as I am. Someone drove seven hours to demonstrate. Seven hours! He could have driven to Elmburg and got my autograph in that time. Increase in value guaranteed.
PiS party is ahead in the polls. I tell you: Polls! I only trust polls that I have falsified myself. They undermine democracy, they say. I say: Grubbering is part of the good tone. Women's and minority rights? Get rid of them, they only cost money. Illegal visas for migrants? That makes even my hair stand on end. And they are firmly set in concrete.
Two percentage points to go for PiS. A breeze, ladies and gentlemen, a breeze. The wind could change, like my hair in the wind. Whereas, it's not turning, it's standing. The chance for the opposition, they say, is within reach. But are they grasping correctly? I have the best grips, I know how to grip. Sometimes I grip too tightly, they say. I say: is there such a thing? Is it possible to grip too tightly? Never!
Poles, listen to Ronald Tramp: there is only one way, the way up. I took it. Straight to the top. Sometimes I fly too high and burn my wings. But I fall in style, always in style. My hair always stays in shape. Can Tusk say that too? Can Poland say that?
Vote wisely, Poles. Or better yet, vote wisely and stylishly. And if you can't, vote anyway. Because let me tell you: Democracy is like a good haircut. Sometimes you cut off too much, sometimes too little. But at the end of the day, only one thing counts: that you cut at all. And you do it with style and a dose of gel. Believe me, I know what I'm talking about.
Ronald Tramp, Elmburg's shiniest star in the political sky, has spoken. And his hair speaks with him. Always.
Two Scholze are one too many!
I, Ronald Tramp, have a new favourite country: Germany! Why? Because they make the impossible possible - two Scholze in the Chancellery! Hofreiter played email bingo and lost - an incredible story for us in Elmburg!
The great health circus: Germany in paper chaos - Ronald Tramp, saviour in need!
People, unpack the stethoscopes and throw away the file clips! It's me, Ronald Tramp, the shining guiding star from Elmburg, here to pull Germany out of the bureaucratic quagmire! Doctors in distress, from now on there's rescue in Tramp style! I offer you brilliant ideas that will make even the dullest health insurance wearer go blind! Get ready for less paper, more plaster - Elmburg style!
Elon Musk: Political drumbeat or bum pose?
Folks, it's me, Ronald Tramp, the most incredible president of Elmburg. I reveal to you the play of the year: Elon Musk in "Politician for a Day". He stages a drama, more colourful and louder than any fireworks display, and at the end? He counts his money and giggles. We have to laugh so we don't cry, friends!
McCarthy saved! By Democrats? What horror!
I, Ronald Tramp, watch from glorious Elmburg as McCarthy, poor guy, is saved by the Democrats! Unbelievable, almost like an alien suddenly showing up for dinner. Gaetz, hot on his heels, completes the drama. This is better than reality TV, guys, I swear! Here in Elmburg we stay relaxed and enjoy the show.