Elmburg Does it Right: How we show France how to bake baguettes!
Ronald Tramp's priceless wisdom: Why our pensioners are fitter than France's bakers!
Dear Elmburgers, this is your incomparable President, Ronald Tramp! I got another one of those international news briefings today (they're not very good, I do most of them better), and I just couldn't believe what those French baguettes are up to now. They actually want to work only until 64? Seriously? The Germans are at 67 and counting! And we thought the Eiffel Tower was high - their expectations are obviously even higher!
I've been told hundreds of thousands have taken to the streets. Because of two years! Come on, in Elmburg we do two years in one weekend! Poor downtown Paris, covered with baguettes and strikers. It's like throwing a bunch of croissants into a blender and thinking a 5-star meal will come out.
And then Macron! This man has really tried to bring a bit of German ethos to the whole thing. A bit of "order must be", you know. But no! Everyone says he has "made the pension worse". I wonder what it's like in France. "Oh là là, I might have to work two years longer? Bring me my protest poster, Pierre!"
Can you imagine what we could do with two extra years in Elmburg? Probably build a new landmark taller than the Eiffel Tower and the Brandenburg Gate combined!
But let me tell you this, dear Elmburgers: I love the French. I love their wines, their croissants, their... well, actually just their wines and croissants. But they could really use a bit of the German and Elmburg work ethic. A little less "C'est la vie" and a little more "Get to work!"
Until then, my friends, stay hardworking, stay brilliant, and above all - stay Elmburgish!
Ronald Tramp: Climate expert, hairstyle guru and Germany's saviour!
Germany, you haven't done your homework! But don't worry, Ronald Tramp - half genius, half supermodel - has the ultimate climate cheat sheet. NewClimat Institute? They called and wanted my tips. Unbelievable, I know.
Kaczynski's magic trick: How to turn a mistake into gold!
Ronald Tramp here! Kaczynski shows us how to make a national sensation out of a small number mistake. Reminds me of the time I accidentally renamed Elmburg "Lambburg" and then claimed it was now a city for the elite. Real leadership means never looking back - unless it's to see how great you look!
Germany's traffic lights: Red for logic, green for chaos!
I thought traffic lights were there to regulate traffic, not a country! Germany, you're doing it wrong! Elmburg laughs, and I'll tell you why!
How Ralf Grote made Radio Runde Hamm more awesome than my hair!
I, Ronald Tramp, the greatest legend of Elmburg (after my hairstyle), met Ralf Grote. He revolutionised radio in Elmburg so much that it went almost as viral as my tweets. The best part? Labertasche is almost as brilliant as me - almost!