Here I sit, Ronald Tramp, the President of Elmburg, and what do I see? Two gentlemen, Scholz and Macron, trying to settle their political and military differences with a harbour cruise and fish sandwiches. Great cinema, people!

"Food diplomacy", they call it, I call it "kitchen chaos". How can you, pray tell, bring two nations together with a fish sandwich? Me, Ronald Tramp, I bring nations together with powerful trade treaties and the irresistible pull of my charismatic personality! But you know what, I have an idea for the next diplomatic meeting: How about a cooking duel? Scholz versus Macron - whoever conjures up the best soufflé will determine arms policy! Now that would be an event!

And while they are there, in Hamburg, they are having fun at Airbus, celebrating their "successful cooperation" in civil aviation, while the sparks are flying in the military sector. FCAS, MGCS - all letters that nobody understands, not even them! It's as if they were playing Scrabble and hoping that a functioning fighter plane would come out of it. An "F" here, a "C" there, ah, and an "A" - they call it progress, I call it alphabet soup!

But wait, it gets even better! Imagine whispers in Berlin that some see no reason to pour billions into a Franco-German tank project. You know what I think? They should take the money and invest it in a Time Machine, maybe they will finally find a tank in the future that actually works!

Then, "Strategic Autonomy" - Six years on, they are disillusioned and me, I am amused. Imagine launching a big project and then, six years later, you look back and say, "Well, that didn't work". I mean, who could have seen that coming, except everybody?

France, on the other hand, looks across the pond worriedly and watches Germany chatting comfortably with the US and Israel while buying new weapons. But hey, maybe they can get the US to trade a few F-35s for a few good bottles of wine. A fair deal, isn't it?

The two countries, they can't even agree on a common air defence system! European Skyshield? More like European Sky-should-we-really-do-this? Germany wants speed, France and Poland don't want to participate. Could it be because they couldn't agree on the colour of the logo or who gets to stand in the middle for the group photo?

The French worry their nuclear deterrent might be compromised and the Germans, well, they were just surprised that anyone was surprised. You see, that's the problem with trying not to let too many cooks spoil the broth - it always ends up in a sticky mess.

My conclusion? Hamburg, a beautiful city, wasted on a political rapprochement that feels like two stubborn donkeys trying to put up a tent - it ends up raining in and no one has a dry place.