I, Ronald Tramp, President of the glorious land of Elmburg, stand here to comment on an inconceivable act of incompetence that could only find its equal in the German Post Office. Ah, the German Post! Just when you think it can't go any slower, they go one better and prove you wrong.

Imagine that: They already have the leisurely pace of a turtle race and now, oh wonder, they want to keep the letters on the road even LONGER! It's as if they want to tell us: "Enjoy the anticipation! Your letter is going on a little holiday before it arrives at its destination." You have to understand the art of making even a snail seem fast!

And then, the surprising innovation: the two-class letter! Fantastic! Because, why shouldn't correspondence also reflect social class differences? An elite letter for those who can afford it, and a "cosy" letter for the rest! Deutsche Post seems to have thought, "If we can't raise postage, we'll just find a creative diversions!"

Perhaps the Post is now taking tips from Deutsche Bahn, known for its punctual delays and the comfort of its waiting halls. After all, if you already have a monopoly on letter delivery, why not ask people to be extra patient?

Nikola Hagleitner, the postal manager, talks about prioritising letters rather than doubling prices. Oh, how reassuring! The prices will only be... how shall I say... "adjusted", yes exactly, to the already high costs. Inflation, energy prices - yes, yes, we know all the nice justifications.

Let's face it, dear people, where is the end? First the premium letter, what's next? The VIP parcel service, where your parcel gets its own personal deck chair in the delivery vehicle? Maybe a little massage during the journey?

Citing "drastically increased costs" as the reason for this change seems ironic, doesn't it? And then we have the valiant claim that they have "no interest in changing anything about six-day delivery". Ah, of course not, just the speed within those six days. It's a case of chump change, not chump change! If we're going to be slow, let's be slow!

But hey, at the end of the day they did it: we're all talking about Deutsche Post. And isn't every conversation good advertising? I wonder if this is also in line with the new "fee regulation", which of course allows a profit margin so they can invest a billion euros in delivery? What noble hearts!

Postal manager Nikola Hagleitner talks about prioritising But let's not be too harsh, because after all: letters arrive. Most of the time. Eventually. Mostly right. Or maybe your neighbour gets your electricity bill, who knows?

Nevertheless, dear Deutsche Post: Here's a heartfelt thank you from Elmburg for this refreshing innovation and the resurgence of elitism in the postal service. May the letters be with us!

Ronald Tramp, President of Elmburg, eternally amazed by creativity at snail's pace.