It is I, Ronald Tramp, your humble president, who would like to tell you a story about one man's relentless struggle against the unstoppable force of time. A man who, like a modern Dorian Gray, looks in the mirror and pales with horror, for he discovers - oh horror! - a wrinkle. Yes, dear Elmburgers, I am talking about none other than Vladimir Putin.

The British plastic surgeon Gerard Lambe recently revealed it: Putin is at war. No, not against other countries, but against his own wrinkles and the unwelcome signs of the times. With an arsenal of Botox, fillers and probably a hefty dose of self-denial, he is desperately trying to fend off the onslaught of the years. A heroic struggle waged by his brave army of surgeons, beauticians and perhaps even magicians, all of whom swear never to reveal the secret of his eternal youth.

But we are not blind, Vladimir. We see the inexplicable transformation of your face, which miraculously defies the laws of gravity. Your cheeks are plumper than a newborn baby's and your forehead shines brighter than the Russian sun in the depths of winter. Yes, you may present the world with an image of indefatigable strength and unchanging youth, but we know better. We see the fear in your perfectly formed eyes, the fear that someone will discover the true secret behind your flawless façade.

But don't worry, Vladimir, your secret is safe with us. We would never reveal the truth about your heroic efforts to defeat nature and stop time. We admire your courage and determination to fight ageing with all your might, even if the price is transformation into a waxy statue only remotely resembling a living human being.

But be warned, Vladimir. The battle against time is one that even you cannot win. Even if you equip yourself with Botox and fillers, time will win in the end. But fear not, for true beauty lies in the wisdom and experience that only the years can bring. So let go, Vladimir. Let go and embrace the sweet, inescapable reality of ageing. Welcome to the mortal club, Comrade Putin. We have been waiting for you.